Inability

The inability to try and work things out.  The motherhood stress has impacted what I felt was a pretty solid foundation but as I have begun to unravel the tightly woven web I see things - life differently.  This whole process of being diagnosed with prolactinoma has made me rethink how important life is and how little I appreciate the little things in life that at one time were and still are incredible.  I have stopped with trying to focus all my attention on conceiving.  I have also thought about my relationship and the fact that the emotional support I thought I had is not really there.  Perhaps I am overstepping and should really take a step back.  Nope.  I can't.  I have realized that I have not been supported the way I think one should be.  I am not expecting to be the queen placed on a throne but I do expect that your significant other try to understand that you are doing everything you can but your body is your body and if I could go in there and fix it all - get in line.  I am not saying that he blames it all on me as to why we have not conceived but I guess in some ways he focuses on why haven't we?  Oh and his soldiers are ready for battle - guns ready and waiting although I assume there may not be a captain to push the front forward. Well let me explain myself for the thousandth time that it is difficult for me to conceive.  I am tired of hearing myself.  I would think that with the amount of information that I have provided at some point you would take it upon yourself to educate.  Rather than sound like a selfish individual.  Men.  I sound like some feminist who is pissed off at all the men in this world.  I digress.  I am simply stating that my relationship has suffered.  Part of the reason is I feel the blame is all me and need to realize I am not a fault.  I have done everything in my power to help make this work.  I have.  Trust me.  My significant other has been to the doctor to get a physical but the fertility doctor has not seen his little soldiers yet - which I wanted to rule out all aspects (just in case).  But he will have none of it- "the cup and others knowing what you are doing in there".  Well it's better than a bright light rather like a stadium light casting a beam of light on your WHO WHOO to then have a metal rod inserted which lets to an expansion of the metal rod......fine and dandy until you realize the metal rod was probably kept in a freezer and the doctor is not making you comfortable by discussing what his daughter bought him for a birthday present.  did i mention the size of the metal rod and how cold the son a b***** is.......ugh.  So when another month roles around and my doctor concludes that I am in perfectly good health and perhaps going to a fertility doctor will help with the other aspects that need to be reviewed I suggest to significant other.  He states that we will wait a little longer.  Ah.  Yes, so you question why we are not pregnant yet and then you do very little to ACTUALLY start the process of ruling out the other could be scenarios.  Lovely.  Alright enough of my little tangent.  I understand.  I remain on the sidelines soon to be cheering for the other team who is contemplating whether this is really all worth it.  I know I know.  Pathetic but at some point I wonder if this was the way it was meant to be and finally realize that I need to seek other options if motherhood is something that I cannot live without.  Oh and then there's the relationship that is in obvious need of a oil change and the indicator has been on for the last few months.  Rejuvenate......spa day   ---- perhaps HIS credit card.