Wednesday, February 3, 2010

daily issues

So I have begun to realize that over the past year my inability to stay focused has worsened.  I have difficulty concentrating on simple tasks throughout the day.  8 hrs of work seem like a lifetime.  I have been drinking more and more coffee just to keep myself awake and alert.   Which in turn makes me have significant highs and lows throughout the day.  I am stressed because I was able to multi-task throughout the day and stay focused.  Now I can barely stay focused long enough on one task to complete.  I work in sales so if I don't stay on top of my accounts and clients than we suffer as a team.  I used to contribute long hours when required but that has stopped since the 8hr day is too much never mind 10-12 hr days.  My lack of concentration is something else.  I feel as though I am a child in a Math class learning calculus for the 14th time and my ability to comprehend has diminished and I am now chomping on my pencil with eager anticipation that the clock is going to magically hit 4pm.  I used to love working in this industry and enjoyed the daily challenges.  Now I can't wait to get home and get into bed for a good 3hrs nap.  My bedtime has become 9pm and on some days I am in bed prior to our 9 year old son.  Sad.  I feel rested in the morning but by 9am I am ready for another nap.  The solution, cut back my hours, try and have a cat nap throughout the day (no employer would approve).  My bills need to be paid, and my job is not something that I can leave to the waste side and hope that I can pull through for a better day.  I don't have "better days".  I have been exhausted for 2 years.  My quality of life has changed drastically and I am now looking at any options (Traditional Chinese Medicine) to help cope.  Chinese Medicine is not cheap and insurance doesn't cover it.  In addition, many people do not understand this particular medical issue so they are blind as to what it does to you internally.  I am depressed.  I cry over the stupidest things.  I am very irritable.  My better half states that he feels we are living the life of a 75 year old retired couple.  I am at my wits end.  We have been trying to get pregnant for quite some time- no luck.  My levels have gone up then down then up again.  I feel as though I am on a sinking ship and the rescue boat is not insight.  I sound like a negative sap where I have always been a positive individual.  ouch.  I need to find a way out of this and back into the joy of life.  I miss being happy and refreshed.  I have anxious tendencies now where I never suffered these before.  I get anxious going out to any type of event or even driving to work.  I get anxious when I hear that we have an evening event to attend, because I know that it will be difficult to stay awake.  Naps turn into 3-4hrs.  My appetite comes and goes.  I am overly hungry sometimes and other times I barely want to eat.  My endurance of running every morning has decreased in distance because i just don't feel I have the strength.  I am tired.

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